These past two weeks have been absolutely incredible. But I’d like to focus on (1) our group self-consciousness and (2) a way to think about amplification and depression in the way we materialize our self-consciousness. Warning – this reflection will be selfish.
Towards the end of our conversation with Mike, Annie said something along the lines of, “Sometimes, Andrew, I wait for you tire yourself out.” Which is fair. I’m a babbler at best. I work ideas out outloud – or in writing on my own. But that sentence hurt. And seemed to reflect the general sentiment of my role within the group. That I babble, don’t listen, think about single threads for too long, don’t give the physical appearance of paying attention, that I’m not exactly meshing well.
This self-consciousness stung. Because our self-consciousness advocates for a style of consensus-oriented problem-solving that comes unnaturally (unsocialized?) to me. But I also feel like my role in the group (the self-conscious dude) allows the group to rag on me. And of course I deserve to be ragged on – I do what you’ve said I do.
I suppose, if we’re to be so self-seeing, can we also make sure to affirm the things each of us do well? So that we can amplify the good and depress the bad? Because at the moment I’m actually unsure of what I’m contributing. If I’m adding things to the group. I feel more like I just need to shut up.
This reflection is a bit sappy and irritating – another white guy complaining about the self-stripping away of privilege perhaps. Self-consciousness in the face of undeserved “power” (based on some stupid identifiers like “male”) should do that. I understand why it’s so important – but I’d love feedback on what I’ve done well. Things to amplify. I’ll try to do the same.